Step by Step

Wow it has been too long since I last posted. For everyone that has been wondering where in the world I have been, I will catch things up. Lets see......there is no good way to describe it......the best way is the analogy that I provided in a recent email to friends. A long journey.......similar to the numerous long distance backpacking trips I have been blessed enough to complete begins and ends with a single step. Those steps are often filled full of anticipation, excitement, and a bit of celebration. It is the middle portion, the thousands of steps that become repetitive, redundant, and more often than not dreadful are the real part of the journey. They are the difficult and often painful portions of the journey where the real "success" is met, though at the time it feels very unsuccessful.......sometimes like an all out failure. Well that is where I have been. In that place of a thousand steps, differentiated only by fatigue, pain, and shear tenacity at times. It is this part of every journey that makes or breaks not only the journey but the one who is plodding along trying to gather enough energy....physically....emotionally...spiritually to muster another step. I have been in that place many times. Those journeys were external to me. This journey is internal. Locked up inside. The mountain I have been crossing is Cancer.......the valleys I have traversed is the Shadow of Death. It has not been easy. But I can tell you one certain thing. I have no fear. The peace that overwhelmed me from day one rests upon me still. Yes I have despaired at times. I have unfortunately lashed out too many times! But the peace remains. Today I stand at yet another watershed (at least potentially). Tomorrow may be my last chemo treatment. I am scheduled for my 3rd set of CT and PET scans on 12/21/2009. Those scans will decide if we discontinue the chemo regimen and consolidate treatment with a month of daily radiation, or if we continue with four more cycles (8 treatments) of Chemo. To be honest, I can not imagine continuing. I am bloated, my hair is patchy, I have dark circles under my eyes no matter how much sleep I get. My legs are swelling, they are painful and hardly have enough energy to get up off the floor (if I am foolish enough to get down there in the first place) They can barely carry me up a flight of stairs. These by the way are the same legs that carried me nearly 500 miles through the Rocky Mountains in Colorado. And the Fatigue............the relentless fatigue that sneaks up on you and builds progressively over time, until it overcomes you. It is a constant companion......a very strange bed fellow. It is probably the most difficult of all side effects (and none are enjoyable!). It saps the energy from you. It is as if the very life that once pulsed through your veins is somehow now gone. At first if comes and goes between treatment. But eventually it stays and never leaves. I have been thinking more lately about the time "after" treatment. So many people keep mentioning that "it will soon be done". "It is only a season". "You are halfway done" and other equally positive comments......but will it be "done"......"complete"......ever? Yes the treatments will end. But will it be over? Is it ever over once Cancer settles into your life. Think about it. It redefines you. You are suddenly a "survivor". That is short hand for CANCER "survivor". Cancer is like a dividing line. Life before cancer and life after cancer.......somehow it is not the same life as before. You have waged a tremendous battle......and "won".....or at least that is our language that we use. But the potential for it to come back is there. On top of secondary cancers from treatment regimes.....as well as numerous other equally unappealing secondary effects that could potentially shorten your life span. There are follow up scans. Check ups. Potentially every ache and pain could be a signal of problems emerging. So I see no end point. Life is different. I am different. My family is different. Much of it good......but some......well that is to be seen. There will always be uncertainty. It existed before diagnosis, and will remain after without a doubt!