A Single Mile

In a bit over 30 minutes I walked my first mile since being diagnosed with cancer 6 months ago. In those few months my life has been altered from assumed health to sickness, from days being marked by the nearness to the weekend to days and sometimes hours measured by treatment scheduels and doctors visits. Chemo thearapy, countless tests, a body broken by disease and the treatments that aim to heal it. Less than 2 months ago I found myself in respritory failure, poisened by the drugs that were attacking the disease, laying in a hospital on oxygen. 12 days later, my body was atrophed to the point that simple tasks were nearly unthinkable. Today, nearly 60 days after facing a body that was shutting down, lungs that gasped for a simple breath,  I am slowly feeling my strength. A single mile seems fairly insignificant, but for me it is a serious marker, something I doubted I would be able to regain. A milestone of body, and spirit, and hope. In years past these legs that have struggled to bear my bodies own weight carried me accross mountains. The mountains of my past were made of rock and stone, those of my present are made of an intangible but powerful realilty of the fragility of life, love, and humanity. I hope that I will have the resolove to continue this journey, one step at a time.

The Need

Every time I am in a position like I am now it never ceases to amaze me how many others are out there in the same position and often worse. I have had probably the hardest 9 days of my life this last week, but still feel blessed to be in the condition that I am. My heart is strong, kidney function good, no infections, etc. There are some on this floor (oncology floor) that have no immunity and are in isolation. I am sure their stories are full of great struggle. How many more are out there that are suffering from other things less tangible? Things like fear, financial problems, broken relationships, pain that others have inflicted throughout the years, obscure and unhealthy body image, anger (I battle that myself), addiction, a since of loss, hopelessness......the needs are unending. The difficult thing is that these needs often do not exist independently of each other. They intersect in a complex and at times crippling way. It is easy to feel as if there is no way out. The most significant thing i have learned over the last 5 months is the great need of our humanity. I new of it in a general way before. But coming face to face with many who are fighting for their very lives is eye opening. Everyone I have met have families.....jobs.....hopes....and dreams. The need is great, and I sense that the scriptures are correct in saying that "the fields are ripe for harvest". (John 4:36). Humanity is aching for hope and compassion and love. It does not take some formulated highly marketed program to deliver this hope. It is delivered through our own hands and feet. We are to bring this hope to the world, through opening our hearts and giving of ourselves. Hundreds have provided this to my family and I over the months. It is a healing balm and the answer to the hopelessness in our world. The love of Christ lived out through our touch.

Day by day....Step by Step

Day 8 Looking Rough......But Feeling Pretty Good. Down to 5 Liters of O2!

Day 7

Today is day seven in the hospital. My backside is numb! Well all the tests are back and everything is negative. No sign of infection.......therefore no pneumonia. The default diagnosis is Bleomycin Toxicity. It is a result of a buildup of a drug called Bleomycin that is part of the ABVD drug regimen given to me during Chemo Therapy. The drug builds up in your body and then hits. Lungs fail....fever can strike......lungs fill with what looks like snow. When it is acute it can be terrifying. One minute you are fine the next you are gasping for breath. Your heart rate races up towards 150+ and your O2 stats plummet to the 70's. The fear is as suffocating as the lack of oxygen.

A Refinement

Sitting on a sore backside.....sweating from multiple high fevers....labored breathing.......high levels of oxygen.......a cough that seems like it sucks life away.......that is where I am right now and have been for the last six days. The doctors and specialists have diagnosed pneumonia. I saw the chest CT scan......It looks like it is snowing in my chest. Cancer is shocking to be diagnosed with, it is most peoples greatest fear just short of public speaking. What I have learned is acute illness can be even more terrifying. One moment you feel fine and the next your body crashes. Things do not work. Fear quickly weighs in on you. You feel like you are balancing at the edge of life and death. Wednesday December 30 I worked all day and picked up the kids. I noticed I was winded but that has been occurring with treatment and exertion. As the night progressed things began to crash.....I had a hard time speaking. Gasping for breath, it felt like nothing was getting into my lungs. It became terrifying! To be honest I preferred the cancer diagnosis. It had a name, and a treatment protocol. While you are never in control completely with cancer, you have the ability to give it a run for the money. Very sudden Acute illness is something completely different. As we were driving to the ER an overwhelming thought hit me. "My Theology better be right" The way my body was reacting made me wonder if this was the end. We all fear death, but our different vantage points provide us with different understandings and resposes. A year ago I was healthy and active, with plans to remodel the house, go camping, and maybe get back out to the mountains, death was far from my mind. Fast forward to August. A simple lump leads quickly to A cancer Diagnosis. The reality of the finiteness of life drops in to your conscious thoughts day and night. Fast forward to now. Acute illness where there seems to be a sudden failure and you can't breath no matter how you try moves your understanding of life and death from a reference point of the finiteness of life to the frailty of life.......and it is wire thin. Just a few failed breaths separates us from eternity. Cancer refined my thinking and perspective in life. Acute illness has further refined it......to its marrow