A Refinement

Sitting on a sore backside.....sweating from multiple high fevers....labored breathing.......high levels of oxygen.......a cough that seems like it sucks life away.......that is where I am right now and have been for the last six days. The doctors and specialists have diagnosed pneumonia. I saw the chest CT scan......It looks like it is snowing in my chest. Cancer is shocking to be diagnosed with, it is most peoples greatest fear just short of public speaking. What I have learned is acute illness can be even more terrifying. One moment you feel fine and the next your body crashes. Things do not work. Fear quickly weighs in on you. You feel like you are balancing at the edge of life and death. Wednesday December 30 I worked all day and picked up the kids. I noticed I was winded but that has been occurring with treatment and exertion. As the night progressed things began to crash.....I had a hard time speaking. Gasping for breath, it felt like nothing was getting into my lungs. It became terrifying! To be honest I preferred the cancer diagnosis. It had a name, and a treatment protocol. While you are never in control completely with cancer, you have the ability to give it a run for the money. Very sudden Acute illness is something completely different. As we were driving to the ER an overwhelming thought hit me. "My Theology better be right" The way my body was reacting made me wonder if this was the end. We all fear death, but our different vantage points provide us with different understandings and resposes. A year ago I was healthy and active, with plans to remodel the house, go camping, and maybe get back out to the mountains, death was far from my mind. Fast forward to August. A simple lump leads quickly to A cancer Diagnosis. The reality of the finiteness of life drops in to your conscious thoughts day and night. Fast forward to now. Acute illness where there seems to be a sudden failure and you can't breath no matter how you try moves your understanding of life and death from a reference point of the finiteness of life to the frailty of life.......and it is wire thin. Just a few failed breaths separates us from eternity. Cancer refined my thinking and perspective in life. Acute illness has further refined it......to its marrow