Waves

One of the most difficult parts of walking the early stages of cancer seems to be the waves of feelings, emotions, guilt, etc. that you feel. It is the strangest feeling. One moment you are having a normal conversation or doing simple daily tasks and SUDDENLY......WHAM you get hit by a wave of thoughts. It can be so powerful at times that it derails what you were currently doing. The thoughts swell around you and engulf you. At times they paralyze your mind. Even simple words or decisions are frozen. Everything seems different after diagnosis. The world around you, the laugh of your child, the touch of your spouse seem different. Everything is more intense as if you are clinging to things holding on to them not wanting them to slip away with the hours that tick on by in a relentless march forward to a future with what seems to be more uncertainty than ever. The pressure of life seems to pour upon you with a weight that suffocates your ability to see clearly. But at times this weight lifts. And for a moment there is a lightness of being. At times as you face your mortality there are moments where the importance rests solely in a single moment. The blueness of the sky, a breeze, the warmth of the sun, a laugh with a friend, the touch of a hand, these moments sometimes sharpen the focus of life. And at once time stands still pausing in the simplicity and perfection of that moment. Maybe that is how eternity feels.

Body Hair + Surgical Tape = OUCH!

I have begun the series of tests designed to stage my cancer. It has been a roller coaster of appointments, trips to Urbana, and multiple sticks for blood draws, blood tests, and who knows what else. I feel physically good still, to be honest the procedures attempting to understand the extent of my cancer have made me feel worse than I did before. The only truly bad part of all of this so far has been the removal of surgical tape in random places on my body. I have lost more hair in the last week than a golden retriever on a hot July day! While the bone marrow biopsy included pain like I had never felt, the surgical tape removal process leaves me feeling anxious and significantly apprehensive. The one on my backside makes me go white just thinking about it!

The Before Picture

Quick Demolition Work

And the fun begins!

The Hands and Feet of Christ!

C3 "Extreme Makeover"

Saturday was a wonderful day and an amazing expression of love! A crew of (at last count) 9 people descended upon my kitchen to make some dust and share a great Saturday. It is amazing how many people impact your life at different points of need. This single day was only possible with the help of 9 brothers in Christ (thankfully one being my father!), a deaconess (Thank you Laura for the lunch), some youth helpers, and an army of baby sitters in the wings. I pray that your kindness is brought back to you all 10 fold, pressed down and flowing over! (Pictured above in no particular order.......drum roll please! My father Charles, myself (very humbled but grateful) Justin, Kevin, Pastor Bill, Mike, Matt (the nail pulling Ninja), and Wayne.....not pictured Michael "I have a really cool drill", and "Electric Joel"). The day was truly amazing! The work that was completed would have taken me weeks and probably at least a few skinned knuckles. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Roller Coaster

Or maybe a yo-yo! Those are a couple of ways that could describe the last 7 days. Here is a brief recap. Surgery (my first ever), some really sweet drugs, pain, more sweet drugs, vomiting, lots of sleep, stiffness, a single call 24 hours later, fear, numbness, lots of hard conversations with the most important people in my life, peace, tears, lots of hard emails to other important people in my life, awkward questions from complete strangers, amazing grace, new found purpose, tremendous support, more prayer, tears, a beautiful small group meeting, awesome prayer, bathing prayer, cathartic prayer, peace, amazing friends and family, lots of flying plaster dust, kitchen makeover, wonderful Sunday service, more amazing prayer, incredible friends and family, first visit with the oncologist, wanted to run, watershed moment, could not turn back, smiling faces, beautiful facility, wonderfully compassionate and talented doctors, nurses, and support staff, positive visit, hope, treatment plan, lots of tests, more tests, staging, bone marrow biopsy scheduled (ouch!), 1st chemo treatment September 3rd.................

I stand here in peace!

Some have acknowledged a bit of disbelief about my sense of calm. 4 simple words. God's Grace.....Christ's sacrifice.

Peace!

Watershed

There are times in our life that act as watersheds. Times that shape our life and often change its course for an unknown future. We all have watershed moments some are similar like graduations, falling in love, marriage, children and so on. Sometimes though we experience watersheds that are pivotal, times when life changes course so drastically that it is hardly recognizable. Right now I am standing in that exact place, a place unrecognizable do to a single call from my doctor. A diagnosis. Cancer. One moment life is moving in one direction, the next it is heading down a path totally unfamiliar. The path that stretches ahead of me is frightening and most assuredly difficult, but I stand here with a hopeful heart, I desire life. To live to the fullest and offer a testimony of God's grace to those around me. I stand in peace.