Waves

One of the most difficult parts of walking the early stages of cancer seems to be the waves of feelings, emotions, guilt, etc. that you feel. It is the strangest feeling. One moment you are having a normal conversation or doing simple daily tasks and SUDDENLY......WHAM you get hit by a wave of thoughts. It can be so powerful at times that it derails what you were currently doing. The thoughts swell around you and engulf you. At times they paralyze your mind. Even simple words or decisions are frozen. Everything seems different after diagnosis. The world around you, the laugh of your child, the touch of your spouse seem different. Everything is more intense as if you are clinging to things holding on to them not wanting them to slip away with the hours that tick on by in a relentless march forward to a future with what seems to be more uncertainty than ever. The pressure of life seems to pour upon you with a weight that suffocates your ability to see clearly. But at times this weight lifts. And for a moment there is a lightness of being. At times as you face your mortality there are moments where the importance rests solely in a single moment. The blueness of the sky, a breeze, the warmth of the sun, a laugh with a friend, the touch of a hand, these moments sometimes sharpen the focus of life. And at once time stands still pausing in the simplicity and perfection of that moment. Maybe that is how eternity feels.