I look around and there is a whole life left undone. Projects. Housework. Plans. Dreams. My mind screams for some sort of order. Control. Everything seems to be undone. It easily pushes what feeble balance I have off center. Frustration seethes. Emotions run high. This walk feels more like a tightrope sometimes than a path. The fatigue is beginning to creep in. With it comes the deepening reality of this illness. A further understanding of my current reality. Sometimes I pause and look into the mirror and think to myself......."this is real, this is really happening". It is staggering. A sudden wave washing over the moment, sweeping in a frigged numbness. My mind freezes trying to comprehend the magnitude of what I am facing. Life. Death. Hope. Uncertainty. How do you live in such a reality. Life at least tangibly has not changed significantly in the last few weeks. Dogs still need walked. Dishes still need done. Children tucked into bed. The difference seems to be a point of reference. A paradigm shift. It is dizzying. It has left me unhinged. My hands grasping for something to hold on to.
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I agree. It is very surreal. Difficult to wrap my mind around and certainly my heart. I often think "this can't be happening" and yet I know it is no where near as real as it's going to be, it's only the beginning. You have so much to hold on to - so many.
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